Jacob Haller: 3 hours ago near Providence · I think I’ll live-blog watching ‘Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies’ on Netflix Instant around 9:30 EDT, so if that interests you, tune in then …

Jacob Haller: Starting shortly!
about an hour ago · Like

Jacob Haller: This is a direct-to-video movie with a $150,000 budget put out by a company called ‘The Asylum’. It was released to coincide with the release of “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”, which already was basically a B movie. (Which I thought was slightly better than it needed to be and enjoyed.)
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Jacob Haller: OK, hitting play in 10 seconds …
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Jacob Haller: Man, those heads come right off.
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Jacob Haller: Actually some kind of beautiful outdoors shots.
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Jacob Haller: Young Abe is splitting some wood while his dad is inside shooting his wife (or committing suicide, as might be).
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Jacob Haller: Nice tongue.
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Jacob Haller: ‎”I love you.” But I have to KILL YOU!
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Jacob Haller: From there we jump to Gettysberg. I guess they used actual civil war reenactors for this part?
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Jacob Haller: Now to the White House, where Abe is writing the Gettysburg Address.
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Jacob Haller: At first I thought this was Mary Todd, but she calls him “father”, so his daughter I guess? Either way, that’s some bad acting. Lincoln’s not bad, though.
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Jacob Haller: Reaction shot: Mary Todd/daughter stands there like a plank of wood.
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Jacob Haller: Operation Big Shanty!
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Jacob Haller: ‎”There’s a small wrapped parcel in my closet. Will you fetch it for me?” WHAT’S IN THE PARCEL?
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Jacob Haller: Suddenly, for no reason, a horse!
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Jacob Haller: String tie + lab coat = an interesting look.
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Jacob Haller: Capain Eckert is channelling some combination of Torgo and Jack Nance from Wild At Heart. “MY DOG BARKS SOME.”
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Jacob Haller: ‎”THEY ATE OUR FLESH!” Lincoln looks concerned.
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Jacob Haller: Has the secret service, which was created after I was assassinated, been assembled yet?
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Jacob Haller: The guy playing Lincoln really does provide a nice, understated performance in this ridiculous movie.
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Jacob Haller: Panic: just as deadly as zombies. The only thing we have to fear is zombies themselves.
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Jacob Haller: Zombie gets out. Lincoln grabs a sword and asks for THE PARCEL!
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Jacob Haller: No special effects were used here because they were too expensive.
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Jacob Haller: Lincoln loses a duel where he has a sword and his opponent is a zombie that has no sword.
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Jacob Haller: THE PARCEL!
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Jacob Haller: Oh, it contains a small scythe.
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Jacob Haller: In arguing that he should be allowed to go on this mission, Lincoln points out, “You said yourself this was a suicide mission.” Convincing!
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Jacob Haller: The train stops, they all get off, they walk about 50 yards, and Lincoln suggests stopping so he can deliver some exposition.
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Jacob Haller: Shouldn’t he be warning them about the fort being overrun by zombies? Instead, this seems to be about Union strategy.
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Jacob Haller: They’ve walked quite a ways along the train tracks. Seems like that train could have gone a lot further.
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Jacob Haller: Oh, one of these guys voted for Douglas. Likes Lincoln, though.
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Jacob Haller: Moustache guy is kind of a jerk. The one black character in the movie puts him in his place though.
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Jacob Haller: The fort is secured by a single rotten plank.
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Jacob Haller: The plan: Walk into plain sight, look around like idiots, run when someone shoots at you. Nice infiltration, guys.
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Jacob Haller: Oh, it’s David Crosby in zombie form.
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Jacob Haller: The guy who looks a little like Chris Elliot gets bitten and Lincoln shoots him in the head. Mustachioed guy says, “How could you?”
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Jacob Haller: Whoops, one of our heroes just got shot in the back by a rebel. Another is wrestling with a zombie.
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Jacob Haller: ‎”SHOOT ‘EM IN THE HEAD!” - Abraham Lincoln.
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Jacob Haller: Gun misfires! Slitting a zombie’s throat apparently works though.
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Jacob Haller: Zombies have really weak necks.
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Jacob Haller: Everyone’s reloading right now I guess? Not a lot going on.
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Jacob Haller: These accents are crazy.
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Jacob Haller: Lincoln explains the rules of zombie movies.
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Jacob Haller: Oh, yeah, Mr. President, about that guy on our team who you shot in the head … OK, fine, we’ll talk about it later.
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Jacob Haller: This gate really should be better secured.
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Jacob Haller: Stonewall Jackson! The mustachioed jerk is impressed. Wait, wasn’t he already dead in July 1863?
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Jacob Haller: Jackson has a bad cough. ZOMBIE COUGH?
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Jacob Haller: Guess that would make sense if he’s already dead.
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Jacob Haller: I think Stonewall Jackson got his beard from a Christmas tree shop. Not sure where he got his accent.
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Jacob Haller: I really need a picture of this.
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Jacob Haller: Look at this:

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· Jacob Haller: The black character’s name is Mr. Brown?
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Jacob Haller: Jackson has a captive zombie! Though he just think he’s sick.
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Jacob Haller: I think one of those zombies is wearing jeans.
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Jacob Haller: That was an oddly lingering shot of that woodpile. It might be foreshadowing but I think it’s just bad editing.
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Jacob Haller: Oh, now they’re using TWO rotten planks to secure the gate.
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Jacob Haller: This scene is poorly miked.
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Jacob Haller: Except Mr. Brown’s lines, which sound like they were re-recorded later.
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Jacob Haller: Mr. Brown knows of zombies from a Bantu legend.
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Jacob Haller: Mustache guy makes a weird joke about slaves to Mr. Brown.
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Jacob Haller: ‎”The slightest noise — including gunfire — will awaken them from their standing slumber.” Gunfire is the slightest sound? Also, more glaring use of ADR.
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Jacob Haller: Wait, the mustachioed jerk guy is an actor? In the movie, I mean, though, actually …
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Jacob Haller: Every Civil War horror movie has to have a subplot about bad telegraph reception.
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Jacob Haller: Stealth zombie attack!
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Jacob Haller: Oh, the mustachioed jerk’s last name is Wilkinson. Yes, OK.
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Jacob Haller: The big picture of a woman’s butt on the wall tells us this is a brothel, I think.
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Jacob Haller: The editing is making this a lot more confusing than it needs to be.
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Jacob Haller: That one guy has a mild case of Statham Voice.
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Jacob Haller: Wait, how did they shoot them from down the stairs?
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Jacob Haller: Lincoln used to date a woman named Mary Owens. Has a thing for women named Mary? And she has a daugher who is about ten years younger than she is.
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Jacob Haller: Wait, how old was Lincoln’s old flame when they were engaged?
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Jacob Haller: Abraham Lincoln, you cad! So much for Honest Abe.
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Jacob Haller: A cameo by a young Theodore Roosevelt.
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Jacob Haller: JOHN Wilkenson.
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Jacob Haller: OMG, Lincoln just advised Roosevelt to “walk softly and carry this big stick!”
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Jacob Haller: Was there a big need for small scythes? What did you do with them other than murder zombies? Maybe I answered my own question.
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Jacob Haller: A zombie just snuck up on one of the ladies. I’m still not sure how that happens.
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Jacob Haller: That zombie is wearing a tee shirt.
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Jacob Haller: God, these accents are dire.
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Jacob Haller: Man, Stonewall Jackson looks completely absurd.
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Jacob Haller: The guy playing Lincoln is good, but I think he looks even better because so many of the other actors he has dialogue with are so terrible.
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Jacob Haller: Jackson argues that zombies have a right to life.
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Jacob Haller: Lincoln deliveries exposition very nicely. Jackson seems to be having trouble remembering his lines.
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Jacob Haller: And now a cameo by Pat Garrett, who suggests beating plowshares into swords.
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Jacob Haller: I like to think that whenever that one guy refers to “greybacks” he’s referring to apes.
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Jacob Haller: I like how the zombies just stand there like mushrooms and let people walk by a foot away.
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Jacob Haller: ‎”You refer to zombie hunting, or prostitution?”
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Jacob Haller: A zombie-hunter’s worst nightmare: chickens!
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Jacob Haller: Man, those heads just fly off. It’s a wonder to see.
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Jacob Haller: Uh oh, Lincoln’s old flame has tasted zombie blood.
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Jacob Haller: THAT ZOMBIE’S SHIRT IS FROM SEARS.
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Jacob Haller: ‎”Much pain?” “No worse than childbirth.” She seems awfullly relaxed given that baseline.
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Jacob Haller: ‎”I do not ask for your forgiveness.” I only ask you not eat my face off.
59 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: I see that Home Depot got some of that $150,000.
58 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Stonewall Jackson continues to be a jerk, and to look like a rodeo clown.
58 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Wait, I have to transcribe this speech.
57 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: ‎”This morning, with charity for none, and malice toward all, with the help of almighty god, and the map made by Corporal Garrett, we shall endeavor to slay as many of these unfortunate creatures as our strength will allow! Now, you all know the strategy. You know your partners. Fan out to your designated positions, clear the immediate area, then move on to the next position — do this until the town is cleared, and you may return here safely.”
57 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: AWESOME.
57 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: It is a tribute to the guy who is playing Lincoln that he kind of pulls this speech off.
57 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Did Lincoln just send Wilkinson to be killed and eaten by his ex?
56 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Oh, shut up, Teddy Roosevelt.
56 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Most well-armed gardening expedition ever.
54 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: That guy’s carrying a small mallet! What’s that going to do?
54 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Has that church bell not been ringing the rest of the time they’ve been there?
54 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Oh, never mind, that mallet worked pretty well.
53 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Abe says, “Emancipate this!” The actor doesn’t quite pull this off, but to be fair I don’t know that anyone could.
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Jacob Haller: Rodney Dangerfield?
52 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Wilkinson is being really, really stupid right here.
51 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: EAT HIS FACE!
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Jacob Haller: REALLY dumb.
50 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: NO, SERIOUSLY, EAT HIS FACE!
50 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Wilkinson is monologuing. Common mistake.
49 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: You’re not supposed to drink toasts to yourself, technically.
49 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: EAT HIS FAAAACE!
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Jacob Haller: Ah, here we go.
48 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: OK, so zombies are a sort of stand-in for slaves, and an agent of the Confederacy frees one, but is attacked by it and has to kill it. There are weird semiotic things going on here. None of it’s intentional, but if I remember my Saussure, that doesn’t have to matter, right?
48 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: That zombie is pretty spry! Also, he kind of looks like Torgo.
47 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: We can’t fight here! This is a zombie attack!
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Jacob Haller: Pat Garret takes a fistful of sand to the eyes.
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Jacob Haller: This is a little like when Elmer Fudd is hunting Bugs, and Bugs is following him.
45 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: ‎”WHO’S NEXT?” [dies messily] Oh, I guess me.
44 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Little-known fact: Zombies like to bury themselves in gravel pits and wait for people to come by.
43 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: That gravel pit trick works really well.
43 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: TR is on Lincoln’s shoulders looking over a wall shooting zombies. Recoil not an issue?
42 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: I guess their eye level is about eight feet or so. Meanwhile the woman standing next to them says that it looks like the coast is clear? Don’t think she can see.
42 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Walking down a slight incline is difficult for ladies.
41 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: This scene is stolen straight from Hamlet. That is not something I expected to say during “Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies.”
40 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Where is Wilkinson refilling his flask?
40 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: The sound is really terrible in this scene. Guess they didn’t have a budget for ADR. Or to get Pat Garrett accent training. Or a mustache that didn’t look like a giant slug.
39 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Oh, zombies are an analogy for the institution of slavery itself!
39 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Mary still hasn’t turned into a zombie.
38 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Pat Garrett and Stonewall Jackson look kind of animatronic in this scene.
38 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Oh, holy hell, the lingering shot of the woodpile earlier actually was foreshadowing!
36 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: ‎”John Brown’s Body” and “Johnny, I Hardly Knew You” ominously play.
35 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: NEW YORK CITY???
35 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: OK, we get it, they’re going to blow up all of the zombies. Let’s get to it, shall we?
35 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Wait, are they going to put Mary in the roomful of explosives?
34 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Stonewall Jackson playing Reveille on a bugle might be the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen in this movie so far.
33 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: That zombie is wearing a baseball cap.
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Jacob Haller: Jackson starts coughing. Who cares?
33 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: REMOVE THE ROTTEN PLANKS!
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Jacob Haller: ‎16:41 from the end, Netflix jams up. Reloading …
29 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: OK, here we go.
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Jacob Haller: I think Lincoln just cut off a zombie’s head with a club. Pretty good.
29 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Ooh, zombie steps on fuse. TENSION!
28 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Mr. Brown is weirdly concerned about General Jackson’s safety.
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Jacob Haller: Jackson says that it’s proper that he should kill all of the Confederate zombies. Kind of like the end of Old Yeller I guess.
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Jacob Haller: Jackson has an expression that says, I kind of wish you had talked me out of sacrificing myself here.
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Jacob Haller: This all seems very implausible.
27 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Presidential zipline!
26 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Wait, Mary still is alive? What are they thinking?
26 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: I salute you, movie, for not killing the only black character. Not every terrible direct-to-DVD historical horror movie would have avoided that.
24 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Mary says, “Abe, none will note or long remember what we say here, but they’ll never forget what we’ve done. And now it’s for you, the living, to finish this work.” Everyone still remembers that time Lincoln killed a bunch of zombies, right? They even made a movie of it!
24 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: This scene was not any less stupid when it was in the Walking Dead.
24 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Hey, the actual Gettysburg Address!
23 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: This is kind of like the end of Shaun of the Dead.
21 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: I wonder what Mary Todd makes of these visits Lincoln makes to the farmhouse containing her husband’s zombie ex?
20 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Does the movie think that we’re surpised to find out that John Wilkinson, actor and confederate spy, is actually John Wilkes Booth? I think probably it doesn’t really care one way or another.
19 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Stupid zombie.
18 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: John Wilkes Booth: bad tipper.
17 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Abe to the woman who is either Mary Todd or his daughter: “You look as beautiful as ever, my dear.” I could just EAT YOU UP!
17 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: I think it was Mary Todd. It seems like they’re going to Ford’s Theater, probably.
17 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: And the movie comes to a tasteful close before the actual assassination.
16 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: Credits roll. I am guessing no special thing at the end or anything.
15 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: OK. I expected not to enjoy this at all, but I actually did kind of like it. I think probably I just think it’s fun to watch Abraham Lincoln kick butt. And the actor who played Abe actually did a good job.

With that said, if you have to pick a movie in that genre, I would go with ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’, which had an actual budget, and also thought to put some slaves and ex-slaves in its movie about the Civil War, and had female characters that weren’t prostitutes. (Though for some reason I feel like those omissions in Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies would be more offensive if the movie was a better movie or had higher ambitions than being a grade Z ripoff of a silly B movie.)
12 minutes ago · Like

Jacob Haller: The end! THREE STARS.
11 minutes ago · Edited · Like

Jacob Haller: Netflix now recommends I watch ‘Absentia’, ‘The Warrior’s Way’, and “Bad Ass’.
10 minutes ago · Like